Insecurities

How things can change in a matter of 2 days. I was on top of the world. Loving my life and loving everything that God has done for me. Now tonight I sit back and am hit with the full force of all my past insecurities. This little voice from my past is whispering. "You aren't good enough. You shouldn't even be here with them. They are better then you. You are fat. You aren't as cool as they are. Look at yourself. You aren't handsome or good looking. You aren't funny. You aren't a leader. Why even try? Why are you even here?" Those are some of those things that keep reoccurring in my mind. Its not that people are even saying this to me. It is just what I put on myself because of things people have said about me in the past. It sticks with me. I am not fully away from these things, and they are a reoccurring feeling I get every once in awhile.

Right now, I feel like I am not wanted and not loved. I need an intervention by God and I have been praying and asking for the past weeks for him to show his face to me and to intervene in my turmoil, but as of right now, I have got nothing. It is sooooo hard to be that solid leader of faith when you yourself are in a bad place. It just feels like to me right now that I am hurting and am full of pent up rage at myself. I am mad at the fact that I am not myself. When I become this insecure person, I build up walls, I lash out, and say hurtful or rude things. I make fun of people and say things that I would normally not say. In other words, I don't show the love and respect that every single person deserves.

I don't know how else to explain myself, but I am just not me. I have changed and it makes me angry because I don't want to be this guy that is quiet, shy, guarded, and insecure. It just sucks. I have been here before and I know this will not last long, but I neeed God right now. I just need that beacon of hope like a star in the dark sky to shine down upon me and lift me up upon eagles wings. I will get there, I know that because like I said I have been here before. I just need love and I need support.

I am more than these insecurities. As my friends of Tenth Avenue North would say, I am more than all of these problems. I just need to find myself again, which I know I will.

Hey God. I have some things I need you to wash away for me. I need you this morning to let your forgiveness and your love wash over me like a river and take away all of these insecurities that are weighing me down. I just need you God, and I need your love to fill up my heart because I am out of love to give. I don't feel the love of anyone and I am starting to wall myself off because of it. I want your love to break these walls down and your love to rush into my heart. I also want to thank you for everything because I know that what I am going through will strengthen me and prepare me for what is to come. We claim all of this as a victory in your name. Amen