Insecurities

Insecurities. I got them. Plenty of them actually, but over the past couple of days I have been in deep meditation and prayer periodically throughout my days. During this time, I have been just heart-searching, looking for things that are blocking in my relationship with the Lord. I looked hard and deep. It's gotta be my struggle with lust. That has got to be the root of all my problems right? As I looked into that avenue, I saw the root of that sin and was completely blown away at what could possibly push me to the pornography like it did in my past. One insecurity about myself has caused me so much pain and had gotten so out of control that I was letting it control me. I still do actually. I might not make any sense when I am writing this, but this post is more for me than you guys. (Sorry.) This is my story of one insecurity spreading like a wildfire and pushing me to an extreme.

It started 4th and 5th grade years of elementary school. I was not the smallest kid in the class. I was shorter and heavier than most of the other kids, and so some kids thought it would be appropriate to start calling me names. I thought anger would be the way to get them to stop, so I turned to that. Little did I know that it only would make it worse. I was nicknamed "Rhino" because of my anger issue and my size. It just wore down on me. I began to believe them. I began to feel like I was not good enough, not worth anything because I was not considered skinny or athletic. I even fell into a bad depression because of it all and I hate saying this, but had thoughts of suicide.

Fast forward 2 years, 7th grade year comes around. I am introduced to pornography for the first time and I found something that even today continues to haunt me. I began finding the compassion and almost the feeling of acceptance through the women on the computer screen. I fell hard. I watched it whenever I had free time. I spent so much time on the Internet either on those sites or playing video games. That was what my life was. I have not fully overcome the lust aspect of the pornography addiction, but I can say that porn is no longer a part of my life.

It all started with that insecurity about my body. I am not good enough looking for girls to like me. That was the thing that has fueled my lust and even my previous pornography addiction in the past. The stigma that was and still is in my mind that I am not going to get a girlfriend or a wife even because I am not "attractive" according to what the world says is attractive. I have just noticed this over the past year or so. I don't pursue women as more than just friends because I feel like I don't deserve a person like that in my life because I myself am not attractive. Not saying that that is correct that I am not attractive, but that is always the thing in the back of my head which prevents me from doing so many things.

I am slowly in process of overcoming this insecurity with the Lord by my side. I am reading his Word about me being made in HIS image not the world's image. I let these words seep into my heart and change me. I tell you guys all of this because I want you to do the same. Look at yourselves. Sit in meditation and think about what insecurities are holding you back in your relationships with others and even with your relationship with the Lord because insecurities no matter how small can multiply and feed off of other ones to push you into a deep dark pit of sin like I was in.

These insecurities are like a glass window. I felt like a bird in one of those Windex commercials, just repeatedly hitting my head on the window because I felt like every time that I wanted to grow in relationship with the Lord that this insecurity was preventing me from doing that. What I want you to do if you feel the exact same way as me is to go grab God's word and read some verses that apply to your insecurity. Be empowered and encouraged by His word. That will be like picking a huge rock up and throwing it through that glass window of that insecurity. Be free from your insecurity, and bask in the love of Christ.

Hey Papa. Thank you for just pointing out that barrier in our relationship that is limiting me from fully being in relationship for you. Thank you so much for moving in my heart and allowing us to have your Word to have to completely shatter those insecurities in our hearts. I just pray today that we can all do that in our lives and that you can move in the hearts of the people reading this post and chisel away at that barrier in their heart. I claim all of these things as a victory in your Son, Jesus Christ, whose love is expressed through the cross. I pray. Amen.